I woke up not liking to live. It’s like each day reminds me of this world, how it crushed me and I was left picking morsels of faith.
Laughter visits me infrequently. My body rejects food. I was a stranger inside my own body.
I had to work 8 hours a day and project the fakest smile. I can only be my truest self when I’m alone. This is a walk through of how depression almost consumed my thoughts 2 years ago –which had become my habit—and eventually become my way of life.
Absurd that quotes struck like bullets.
Truly, I’ll never forget those mornings that I wish never existed. The feeling of self-inadequacy that I have to go through every day and makes me question my self-worth.
Will I ever be enough?
What else should I change to fit in?
Were all those years, a lie?
Did I do something wrong that had caused this?
Two years that I have to drown myself with insecurity, torture myself with ‘I will never be good enough’ thoughts.
I will be forever stupid, ugly, lame and nameless.
I made myself believed all these. I let people dictate my ways, intrude my thoughts, influence my behavior and rule my life.
I have let them stir my ship where the waves are. I have put no doubt of other’s misgiving and had not given a minute for myself to be heard.
I let them ruined ‘me’.
That was two years ago. I might not be as confident as I am before but I’m learning my steps into it.
Depression wasn’t fun and I couldn’t stay any longer. I don’t want to be stuck with dark clouds over my pillow. I might not be able to control abnormal sweating and how my heart jumps for unknown anxiety but I want to recognize this bad thing that’s going on with me. I want to face every fear I have in my heart and make little steps.
For people who’s undergoing the same thing. Don’t stop by just tolerating pain, do something. You’ll never know, one day, you might just wake up and be surprised by how strong person you have been. You have made your way recovering from stumbles by taking little actions to your problem.
Life is balance but we always see what’s lacking in us and that makes life unfair. We compare our disposition and we never just get contented.
If we could only see our potentials, our blessings, the loving people around us; maybe we could have been more thankful.
The time I have overcome this blinding sickness, I realized three things –
I was depressed because I thought losing people in my life is the end of the world, disappointing them makes me less of a person, that I couldn’t share the love because it wasn’t even enough for myself.
I have GOD above all. And no depression could ever get a hold of me as long as I am holding unto HIM. 🙂