Day 1: Punch The Keys for God Sake

Dear brynelmaries,

There are days when you feel inadequate. There are days when you begin to question your ability, your existence. There are days when words are quite detached from you and most of the days, you keep on wondering if you ever deserve to call yourself a writer.

You drown yourself with unnecessary hatred towards oneself.

Does writing a book will always be a distant dream?

When you were younger, you were quite sure of yourself that you wanted to be like Edgar Allan Poe but has your dream gone murky like a water in turmoil.

Let it sink. Let it sink. Let the dirt sink and separate itself from the water and you will see again that nine-year-old kid with big dreams with a pen and a scratch paper.

Remember her. Remember her smile when she read the poem ‘Tree’ and how she discovered how words fall into places with the wave of her hands. She was doing magic on paper.

Now, remember her, the joys that were in her eyes when someone tries to read and understand the far-flung words separated by erasures. Remember her when you can not remember yourself.

You were destined to make dandelions dance like ballerinas in the air, you were destined to change lives, to give hope and to make the impossible possible. With your words. With your magic.


At 25, I feel like I’m running out of time

I wish I could swallow all the pieces of advice I gave to my friends about not minding accomplishments and rather focus on getting small steps nearer to the goals, however, we all know that sometimes, we can’t fake optimism but I’m not being melancholy today either. There are just days when my mind is clouded with lots of questions on keeping up with my timeline of things, my age, my body, ideals and what not. I don’t see anything wrong with this self-crisis. I even think it’s healthy.

It’s healthy that I was able to re-examine myself and think. Not to put myself down for not getting things done or not striking through on my to-do list notebook but this quite serves as a reminder to push a little further. Knowing that there are a lot of things to learn and discover makes life worthwhile.

Sometimes I feel sorry for slacking. Time even made it feel worse when it runs like a train and I stand there to watch it pass by.

Having daily reminders on my phone didn’t do any good either. My thumb kept on postponing them with a slash from the right going to left. But at least I am aware.

Maybe today or tomorrow I will get better and like all millennials used to say I’ll get my shit together.

I’m a firm believer of notebook and pen make things happen so I wrote down all of my goals. Here are the list of things, I have to do or (I hope to do) before the year ends. (This will be a reminder or a slap in the face )

  • Learn Hiragana and Katakana (make kanji a bonus point)
  • Get involved with community works again
  • Paint
  • WRITE (goal since I was born and until today)

  • Travel
  • Read 12 books (couldn’t even finish 1 and it’s already March!)

Positive note: I still have 9 months. 😀

  • Start an online business (online boutique)
  • Start an online channel
  • Find ways to save Earth (start at home!)
  • Be consistent with my job and any task (including household chores)


Putting so many eggs in my basket this year. I might not get them all done but I will. Someday. If it’s not this year, then maybe in the next year or the next lifetime.  The good thing is, I have all of these todos to look forward doing. A sense of purpose.


A pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 


To a friend I have to live without

I never thought it will be this so mushy to say goodbye, but while I type, I am almost teary-eyed and half-frantic because I was writing this Friday morning in my cubicle and someone might catch me cheating. Spending my paid hours for a love letter. Well, you know me. And I think it’s one of the things you won’t forget about me. (Feeling important)

I know I make your day extra…..annoying. I’ve dragged you for a couple of troubles too like escorting me while I transform myself as a drunkard.  It wasn’t me, it was the beer’s fault. It was not my intention to get drunk, I was just taught not to refuse to graces or blessings so I drink every cup they handed me and you end up, accompanying me in the toilet room.

You were scared to death when I almost vomit in the taxi but you were successful in reminding me to hold on with the vomit of chips and liquor until we get out of the cab.

I know I am a constant occupant of your fb notifications and I’m not sorry for tagging you endless memes. Also, for mimicking your voice and give you names like my pets.

You are my number one supporter of my crappy childlike poems. What friends are for. 😀

And like other friendship, ours is not perfect. We also have petty cold war. Sometimes, I reckon hormone as the culprit.

But seriously, I wish every person you’ll meet next will see how beautiful you are –inside and out. I’m just lucky.

And I’d like to remind you, you deserve an adventure, a love that never falters and a big sky to spread your big wings.

Time to fly! or sail! or go wherever your feet lead you.

Soon, you’ll be setting your feet on a foreign land and with the oceans in between us, I know it will be hard to keep up but like the line in the book you gave me;

“I always hoped to stretch myself.. to cover the distance.” 

I will be here when you decide to moor or to land and stay and fly again. 🙂

Do Good..

Don’t do good.

Everyone thinks you’re a bad person for not taking any actions.

Do good.

Everyone will judge you and even doubt your intention.

Which is which?

I rather be the latter. It’s satisfactory to know that I’m giving the last drop of me helping people and I can wash away the criticism. I can forget about them but I can’t live in so much apathy.

Like water swirling and going down into the drain, I can forget all of those unkind words but not the faces of people who needs  help.


My Week’s Summary: Going Sober and Getting out of my Comfort Zone

At this moment, I’m supposed to be writing on my English/diary/budget planning notebook but I chose not. Instead, I’m tapping the keys of this laptop again tuning on my freemium spotify, chill OPM playing, coffee at the side of my right hand.

I’m again digressing with my should-be to-dos tonight and started blogging rather. I have long planned this online marketing and career stuff on my blog but it seems that all I could write were short length poems (except for that post about Marawi) where I poured all my sentiments in there.

I started the week a little bit hung up and puzzled of what happened over the last weekend.  My selected memories of our company party made me think that I did something stupid that night, brushing off my ever-clean reputation on that night. Surprisingly, I don’t feel any shame. The gossip hype of me being wasted lasted 3 days. Well, you know they had to get back with their own lives.

You know, embarrassing moments were genuine. The funny thing is when we become grandma/pa after 50 years, those stories where we get ourselves in trouble were the most interesting bedtime stories.

I’m not saying to get intoxicated and collect drunk stories but these not-so-good memories were part of us and that makes life, life.

This week, I get into 2 interviews with demo classes with the online tutor companies. It’s quite a miracle that I passed because I was talking shit with the hr manager already. Not necessarily swearing but my words were lost like cluttered words inside a box of an English exam.

Yes, I did it. All with prayers and quivering knees. It wasn’t on my bucket list to go out of my comfort zone this year but it became my mantra and a challenge I put out for myself. Breaking out from my jail-like mindset. Turning can’t’s to cans. 🙂

It was all worth it. People always believe that I’m contented to stay in one place that this is all I’m going to be. A timid girl in a black-and-white office. I didn’t know that routine killed me.

7am thumb on the biometrics. Scanning. There you go. You go to your desk, pick up your mug, hurry to the pantry before your boss sees you when you should be in your seat. 

11am. Lunch time! Time to pick up my favorite compartment plate. Oh goodie. 

I’ll be leaving this boring place soon but boy, I’ll surely miss all these people. It had been a nice place to start but wasn’t the right place to stay.

I’m surely going to miss everyone even my faulty computer CPU will give me a heck of separation anxiety.

I’m surely going to miss those pretty eyes. That’s all. 🙂 

Like the old tale of every workplace, when someone leaves the team, everybody has to function accordingly.

I’m not sure what will happen next. All I know is, God had already made His plans for me. With the wave of His hand. With the wave of His hand.  


Marawi, Will Rise Again

The privilege of being able to sit tonight in front of my computer with the deafening silence to accompany me is gold.

Our house isn’t big but I’m still fortunate for having enough space to stretch my legs and arms. I might not have eaten the most exquisite dinner yet my stomach had no room for another bit of food.

At this hour of the night, 11:38 pm to be exact while another millennial (from Visayas or Luzon) scrolls up and down through his / her smartphone.  It’s the same hour where bullets glide into the air, exchanging gun fires from our military officers and a group of extremists called ISIS.

Once, the news about ISIS killings were just horror stories that you could read on social media. What I thought was a wishy washy issue now costs lives of civilians and more than 50 Filipino military officers and counting.

It’s sickening to hear statistics of fatalities on the radio every morning but like they always said, truth hurts, truth tastes bitter but you still have to eat it.

In the morning, you woke up with the sound of your alarm and get yourself dressed for school or for work. Easy.

For the evacuees in Marawi, seeing another sunrise is a blessing but being woken up by the sound of airstrikes is both a curse and a gift.

It gives them hope that one day, this war will finally be ceased. This will pound the enemies to death but sad to say, it is the same bombs that destroyed their homes, pharmacies and some other places that once erected in the land of Marawi. Airstrikes were crushing the buildings, schools and roads they built from ashes. Considering the length of time, roads and infrastructures are built in the Philippines. It will surely take time to mend and get things back to normal.

The fallen heroes and the ones who are still fighting until now, bargaining their normal life for the love of country. I could not send through my ‘thank you’ and so I wrote this blog post.

We were just lucky to have brave men to cover us from the bullets, some of them even made their bodies a human shield to protect civilians. There names and faces flashed on the screen once, yet their deeds and heroism will always be engraved in the lives of those whom they saved.

I know how the death of a loved one crushed the heart and I may not transcribe the pain I saw in the eyes of a tearful Military Officer as I stop scrolling down on my news feed. I can not write the words for it. But the pain wires through. It was infectious.

It crushed me, seeing these armies in a straight line, carrying human-sized boxes, a coffin of their own comrade. There’s nothing as painful as that. Made me question why good people die first?

To give chance for the bad people to change? To be a great example? Whatever that is, it will serve its purpose. It will inspire, it will touch lives. I hope.

I am just saddened by the apathy most of us are showing. Only a few shows interest in donating and helping our Maranaonan brothers and sisters.

I just hope many would care to the survivors in the evacuation area. Health problems were arising, infectious diseases have killed some of the evacuees. Children were getting thin. While we indulge our normal life, earning pesos or dollars a day, I wish we could share a little and send baskets of food, that will not only sustain the victims physically but will also restore their hopes.


But even how bad the war is, we could still hear stories about Muslims defending their Christian friends, despite the differences, the religious perspective was set aside. And for that moment, there were no Katoliko or Muslim.

There were only Filipinos.

If they were only no factions, no divisions, no walls.


Photo Credit: Abs Cbn


Good People

You see a glimpse of silver lining to every people you meet.

Not all of them will stay but each of them will certainly have a purpose.


They will find you with no might, no purpose, no hopes left and they leave you fixed, robust than the moment the day found you.



Random Thoughts – 040517

We live in irony where the blind could far better perceive hope and has infallible optimism than the ones who have vision yet can not see the beauty of life.

Ironic that the ones who couldn’t see the light have outweighed the others who have seen every inch of the world.

I guess it is the mind that is paralytic not the arms, nor the eyes that is impaired.


The one who couldn’t see the light is actually the source, the one who has the ability to glow and lit other’s life with inspiration.


Random Thoughts – 031717

The dreams you piled have crashed like falling legos
in the floor,they lay aspread.
If we were still kids,
we would happily put the legos back.
Build it again, make the foundation a little stronger,
and break them again.
Dang! If only we’re still kids.
No anxieties, stress and pressures going on in our head,
stuff we usually made on our own.
A manufactory of bad thoughts, bed monsters coming into life.

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